A Few More

All Images Copyright Jimmy Jazz, 2009 -- Indie bloggers may use, but must link back to TTT

"Drink Deep! The Glass Is Full And Near!"

Drink deep--the glass
Is full--and near!
Come lad, and lass,
Drink deep! The glass
Too soon will pass
And disappear
Drink deep--the glass
Is full--and near!

--Clement Wood













All images copyright Jimmy Jazz, 2009 ---- Indie bloggers may use and link back.

In other news, TTT is pleased to announce that Justin K. is the winner of the fight song contest:

Oh, we kicked it like Streisand in '74
When the curtain went down though, we wanted some more
No silver for us; we went dumpster diving
Our Cappies, dammit, we still loved them

Secretary Langway was a God among you men
One dustup in the corner and you'd thank God to walk again
It might have been the mustache; it definitely was that mustache
Our Cappies, we wanted some more

What the future holds, only Gods of Hockey know
Lots of whiskey; much more heartache; trophies for AO
However many years it takes, we'll still stand loyally by
Our Cappies, give us a Cup!

Here's to originality, says this blogger.

Eleven years is a long time to wait for a series win. Oh, happy day.

/Series

"Still round the corner there may wait,
A new road or a secret gate."
~ J.R.R. Tolkien

Any secret gate will be guarded by King Henrik, and any new road or new hope will be eradicated by a lazy penalty in the offensive zone. It gives me no pleasure to oppose such a brilliant philologist.

Series In A Nutshell

I had a look at the Rags feed for game three, and the below exchange caught me. I pray to God that the Caps don't end up like the Sens. Haven't we had enough? Astute observation, nonetheless:

Torts At His Finest

Tortorella's shit-eating smirk rivals only Colbert's.
With the Caps:



With everyone else:

League Approves Experimental Treatment For Avery's Condition

It did wonders for Private Pyle:


Trying to goad a guy who can't even speak English... It really makes you wonder.

The (Continuing) Rise Of Lord Varlamov

Caps 4, Rags 0

• Is Varlamov the next Cam Ward? For what it's worth, I'd trade a Ring and a Conn Smythe for mediocrity down the stretch.
  Through two NHL playoff games, Varly has a 98.2 S%, and 0.50 GAA. It's a small sample size, but a few of those reflex saves were just nasty.
  
• Sean Avery needs to be given a blanket party; the Rags would have had a chance to win had he not laced up. Avery had four minors and a game misconduct, all while doing nothing to antagonize his opposition. Maybe he needs more therapy.
  
• One wonders what kind of God would allow class acts like Scott Gomez and Chris Drury to skate on a team with such an unmitigated fop.
  
• The Caps have outshot the Rags an aggregate 41-20 in the first period, and 110-78 overall.
  
• As good as Semin was, I curse him for missing the open net on his backhand during the first. Brooks, Backstrom, and Varlamov were better overall.
  
• I look forward to Larry Brooks' summation and analysis. If he plays his cards right, maybe he could score a job on PTI.

Image Copyright Jimmy Jazz, 2009

Hackneyed BS For When You're Up Against It

We Caps fans are no strangers to prolonged atrabilious states at the hands our beloved/much hated franchise. I salute our newfound, choking dog-esque compatriots. What do you call thirty millionaires humping a barstool in June? The San Jose Sharks.

Even I have standards; you'll see nothing from the Chicken Soup series on this site, but should we lose tonight, I've got you covered:

“Courage is as often the outcome of despair as of hope; in the one case we have nothing to lose, in the other, everything to gain”
-- Diane de Pointiers

“That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.”
--Richard Bach

“Every human being must find his own way to cope with severe loss, and the only job of a true friend is to facilitate whatever method he chooses”
--Caleb Carr

"Blame Canada"
--Robin Williams

“Losing comes of winning money”
--Chinese Proverb

"Freak out
And give in
Doesn't matter what you believe in
Stay cool
And be somebody's fool this year
'cause they know
Who is righteous, what is bold
So I'm told"
--Smashing Pumpkins, Cherub Rock -- Better understood w/ controlled substances? Sadly, no.


"Tiger style
Yo, huh, huh
Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuttin Ta *@#$ Wit
Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuttin Ta %^# Wit
Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuttin Ta @#% Wit"
--The Wu-Tang Clan, Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuttin Ta *@#$ Wit

"I've been beat up, I've been thrown Out
But I'm not down, Oh I'm not down
I've been shown up, but I've grown up
And I'm not down, Oh I'm not down"
--The Clash, I'm Not Down


Stay in school, kiddies.

The Photographic Evidence

Above Images Copyright Jimmy Jazz, 2009

"Then give three cheers and one cheer more..."

I thought the TTT Faithful might enjoy this back-and-forth:

JJ: Ted,

You might not want to go completely Mark Cuban, but I think it would
be hilarious if you posted some of the hate mail you undoubtedly got
after the loss. There's no need to work on your material when you
have people giving it away so freely; I'm a little jealous.

We'll bump back, I'm sure.

Jimmy Jazz

Ted: It is pretty bad-- the only person they hate more than me is Jeff Schultz. Ted

Match DDT

Roundup is a joke of an herbicide, thus "DDT."
More later.

The Bell Tolls For Thee, Caps Fans: The Caps Fight Song Contest Starts Now

A subscription to The New Yorker is among the prerequisites for being a pretentious asshole. A subscription to Esquire is among the prerequisites for being a wannabe pretentious asshole.

Having neither the money nor the Harvard accent, my existence lies in the latter. I'm fine with it; Esquire's a hell of a publication.

I present The Angry German:

But one thing that really should change here, and that goes for all U.S. sports, is the fan chants. They are weak and utterly uncreative. Basically, every team has the same "Let's go Team, clap-clap clap-clap-clap" or "Other Team sucks."

America's (unfair) reputation for stupidity and ignorance unashamedly manifests itself during my every trip to the VC.

Let's go Sabres!

--SABRES SUCK!!!

It's a very tired act.

This is my proposal to every Caps fan: Think NCAA. Think Premier League.

TTT received thirty essays for The Psychology of the Fan contest, and while I don't have centre ice suite tickets this time around, a $25 gift card at NHL.com is worth five minutes of your time.

I want a Caps fight song. Get on it.

Contest rules
1. Originality shall reign supreme.
Changing "He plays on the left/ He plays on the riiiiight/ That boy Ronaldo made England look shite" to "He shoots from the left/ He shoots from the riiiight/ Our boy Ovechkin makes Crosby look shite" will not fly.

2. Vulgarities should enhance, not dominate.

3. Any and all cheap shots are encouraged -- bonus points if you can slam both Philly and Pittsburgh in the same song.

4. PC nazis need not apply. Go renew your Oprah subscription.

5. Keep it semi-simple. Make it catchy. Make it simple enough to bellow on F Street in a drunken stupor.

6. Send as many entries as you want.

Send your entry to me here.

Contest ends after the first round. The winner will be notified via email. The fight song will be published on this blog with the winner's consent.

This should get you started:

"Once More Into The Breach, Dear Friends..."

A spectacle more beautiful than the Olsen Twins covered in raspberry jam -- playoff Hockey starts tonight.

Grinding, Mucking
About a year ago, it was Dave Steckel and Donald Brashear -- not Ovechkin, Backstrom, or Semin -- who opened the scoring for the Caps in game one of the first round. The scoring lines will find a way to get the job done, as they eventually did by that game's end, but guys that are willing to go to the net will be rewarded on the score sheet; Lundqvist has answers as long as he can see the biscuit.

Jose
Hradek's autovoxiphillia aside, Jose has never lost in the first round as a starter, and his 91.5% career playoff save percentage suggests he can still get the job done. The comparison to Osgood is silly, though. The Red Wings of '97, 98, and '02 were some of the best puck-moving teams I've ever seen. The Caps' top six aren't even in the same conversation. An average Jose will win round one. Jose at the top of his game might shock every man, woman, and child into emergency psychiatric therapy.

God, I wish Melrose hadn't predicted the W.



Watch out for:
It's not exactly an original thought, but Alex Semin was arguably the Caps' best player during round one. His heightened consistency will do wonders for the second line. Toe drag for a nickel?

Remember when Naslund was a 100 point player? The Rags simply refuse to give up on aged veterans. I wept for Theo Fleury and Pavel Bure. I honestly did. Brandon Dubinsky will be next year's Mike Richards.
Yes. He will be.

Last 82

It's hard to believe the regular season is over. It seems like it was just yesterday that disgruntled fans were calling for Ovechkin to play on the blueline and for Bruce to get sacked.
Here we go:

The Goals












The Fights








The Hits









The Exclusivity
AO becomes the fourth player to score both 200 goals and 200 assists in his first four seasons. The only other players who have accomplished this feat are Mike Bossy, Super Mario, and The Great One. Not bad.



Green breaks the NHL record for consecutive games with a goal by a blueliner. He becomes only the seventh blueliner in history to score thirty goals in one campaign. Green leads all blueliners in points, goals, and points per game even after missing thirteen games. One wonders what Green could have done outside of the trap-era.


Bruce reaches 50 wins faster than any coach in franchise history. He is inducted to the AHL hall of fame.


The Triumphs





The Absurdity




The Callups














The Proven





The Improved

On The Rags

• Whatever the guys at Japers may think, Chris Drury is past his prime. I'm not fussed. One of the greatest sports quips of all time:
  

  I just don't know what to think. I play in Colorado, they tell me they like me, and I get traded. I play in Calgary, and at the end of the season the GM tells me he likes me, and I get traded. I just hope my fiancee doesn't tell me she likes me. -Chris Drury

  
  
• I almost wish Jagr was still playing in the NHL. A series win against his club would have assuaged at least some of my hatred. I wonder whether Muir still has enough gas in the tank to be a KHL all star.


• The notion that King Henrik could single handedly steal this series isn't the craziest product of exploding synapses. His surprisingly mediocre record against the Caps over the regular season matters very little; the laws of physics seem nonexistent when Lundqvist is at the top of his game. We'll see how he does with the post-season OT format.


• Special teams will be huge. Huge.
  
  
• Ultimately, the Caps have no excuse for an early exit. The Rags couldn't score in a brothel with a fistful of Bennies. None of their skaters have hit either the thirty goal or sixty point mark. They could trap the hell out of Washington. They could play some of the most boring Hockey known to man. The Caps' top six could still tear up both their checking pattern and Rags fans' digestive tracts.
  
  
• Today being Easter, is there a Christian way to request that Avery catches syphilis and dies before game one?
  
  Caps win the series in six. Take it to the bank.

March To The Sea

The written bit should come soon. I only have the pics for now:













All images copyright Jimmy Jazz, 2009

Iterum

Caps 4, Slugs 5 (OT)
Everything sounds better in a dead language. At least I follow the rules, though; commoners who've never studied Latin shouldn't pretend. Charlatan asses. It's just one of those things. People who drive Buicks or Oldsmobiles shouldn't be allowed to tailgate -- another one of those things.

Last night's lazy effort gives the Slugs a 14.2% chance for a spot in the show. Something tells me that denizens of Western New York are used to supporting clubs with a biblical propensity to choke. Toe in the crease -- and no, those words are only dirty if you haven't watched Hockey in the last decade.

England's Loudest Band ---> The League's Most Exciting Goalie

Since The Dominator's retirement, a nagging void has stricken the hearts of Hockey fans. We tire of scientific play between the pipes. Give us art. We tire of the butterfly. Give us an acrobatic, Cosmo Kramer meets Darth Maul netminder. It doesn't seem an unreasonable request.

People may disagree, but the era of one or two goalies playing miles above the competition has ended. The margin between the best and the worst keep will continue to shrink as the butterfly is perfected and almost universally employed. This wouldn't be such a terrible circumstance if the technique got something more than a bagel award for style points.

I now give three brave souls the credit they deserve--not necessarily for being good at their job--but for refusing to cheapen themselves just because "everyone else is doing it."

Just as Spinal Tap may be "one of England's loudest bands," exciting play and unorthodox technique don't always equate success. After all, there's a reason the butterfly is so popular.

Exhibit A Joey MacDonald ranks 34th in save percentage, and 44th in GAA. You are forgiven, Joey, hideous though your stats may be. The guy's fun to watch, and when it comes to the Isles these days, that's something to be proud of.



Now for someone who uses a hybrid successfully... I present Vezina candidate Tim Thomas.

Brodeur is hardly a butterflyer, and the first word that comes to mind when we think of him is "stellar," not "exciting." He's a joy to watch.


Varlamov may soon find his way to this conversation. Hurry up and develop, dammit.

A-Sides

Caps 5, Isles 3

Image copyright Jimmy Jazz, 2009
We all like a good story, but I'm not sure whether this one's sci-fi or a fairytale.

• A 30 goal campaign by a blueliner in the trap-era
  
• A new franchise record for PP tallies by a blueliner
  
• Two tallies last night, including the game winner

I was never a huge Soundgarden fan.

On Objectification: Pack it in, Carrie

A few quick thoughts while we prepare ourselves for the Isles

• I will be happy to never see or hear from Carrie Milbank again. She's every terrible thing from disgustingly saccharine to transparently fake -- her chest, especially. I wonder how many males have been converted to Hockey because of Milbank's assets. It seems that the time and place for sexual objectification isn't a sports show on a station that a lot of people don't get. Pack it in, Carrie. I'm glad you can read a teleprompter, but your fifteen minutes ended some time ago. We already have the internet and library cards. We don't need you too.
  Think the above is sexist? I'd urge you to consider what Milbank has done to counter stereotypes about women in/and sports. If I'm still a sexist bastard, my guess is that you truly believe Milbank was hired for her Hockey expertise. If this is in fact the case, I'd like to meet your contact... Premium Columbian.
  
  
• Club Scarlet seems to be doing its job. Check out this newly devoted fan:
  
  Green was tagged "future hubby." Priceless.